


Standing In Front of You

by zugzwangxo



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drug Use, Explicit Language, F/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 15:20:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5009794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zugzwangxo/pseuds/zugzwangxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I received a request for;</p>
<p>Spencer Reid and the reader are married have lost a baby, the reader finds that Spencer has been taking Dilaudid again.</p>
<p>And this was my take on it :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Standing In Front of You

Empty. If I could summarise exactly how I was feeling with just one word, it would be… empty. Many other emotions were also applicable; desperate, devastated and distraught were some but none more present than the debilitating emptiness.  
For the fifth consecutive day, I laid lifelessly in bed and stared at the ceiling before me. My shaking hand was placed against my stomach, almost as if I wanted to hold on, to protect and to cling to the child that was no longer there.

I miscarried. I miscarried at thirteen weeks. The word miscarriage made every single part of me shatter and cry. I would say it was hard to believe it had happened, but I could not deny the loss. It was as if I’d lost a limb or a vital organ. It felt like a crushing tidal wave of despair had ripped through me. My heart and my soul had died the moment my child was stolen from me. 

_Why me?_

_What did I do so wrong?_

I tortured myself with these questions over and over. I, of course, knew deep down, that it was nothing but a cruel twist of fate.  
The overwhelming loneliness was almost too much to bear, and part of me had started to realise it shouldn’t be this intense. But my husband, Spencer, well he was nowhere to be seen.

I will never forget the way he looked at me when I’d told him that we had lost the baby. I swear I saw the moment his heart had broken, I could barely breathe as I watched his eyes glaze over with despair when the reality hit him like a truck. All he wanted, was to be a father. As I, a mother. We held each other and we cried, we cried for hours.

But, when I woke in the early hours, he was gone. I wandered out of the bedroom, I could see his study light was on through the crack in the door, the almost inaudible tones of a classical piece of music could be heard. I knocked, but he informed me that he wanted to be alone. Being respectful of the fact he was also grieving, I went back to bed.

And that’s where he continued to hide. Refusing to come out. On the rare occasions that we saw each other, usually when we were both in desperate need of something to eat or drink, he wouldn’t even look at me. His words were icy and blunt. We both looked awful, neither of us had bathed properly in days, but somehow he looked so much worse. He was pale and clammy. And his eyes, well, they were bloodshot.

Then I realised… he blamed _me_. That must be it. I was the reason he had lost everything. I had lost our child. I never knew it was possible to cry as much as I had, I changed the pillowcases six times from soaking them through. I had strained every muscle, the violent sobs draining me completely. Yet, nothing compared to how my body ached to hold Spencer.

I’d had enough. We needed to talk. I couldn’t bare being alone a second longer, if that meant taking responsibility for the loss then so be it. I needed him. I needed to be with my husband, we should be grieving together.  
I moved through the darkness of our bedroom, dimly lit by the street lamps outside. On entering the living room, I saw no light through the crack of the study door. There was no sound, either. Tiptoeing ever so quietly, I made my way to the door and stood with my ear against the cool wooden panel.

Nothing. Silence.

I took a moment to steady my breathing, acknowledging the uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach, before turning the handle slowly and gently pushing the door open. The room was engulfed in darkness, the moonlight splintering through the blinds. I could see him, he was sat on the floor, slumped against the wall. Was he asleep like that? My gaze shifted to the ground as something caught my eye, the light of the moon causing it to glimmer. I slowly stepped closer, straining my eyes to see through the darkness. 

Then I realised. My heart sank through my chest and my body tensed as I viewed the small glass bottle on the floor, empty. I slipped over to the desk and pulled open the drawer. There they were. Full.

Oh no.

I snapped myself out of the daze and moved towards the light switch, flicking it on. My fists clenched as I surveyed the scene, watching Spencer as he stirred and came to, surrounded by a few more empty bottles, needles and a belt.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Spencer had left me alone for days, struggling to come to terms with our loss just to sit and ruin the years of progress he had made after his initial addiction. Anger flooded through my veins as he bolted to his feet, realising now what I had discovered.

“(Y/N), please… let me explai-”

“Explain? Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I snapped back, my tone was enraged. “You’ve been taking Dilaudid again? Seriously?”

“I… I… “ I clenched my fists tighter as he stuttered and I assumed he was about to lie. “(Y/N) I’m so sorry… I couldn’t cope, I didn’t know what to do and I don’t even know how this happened.”

“Spencer, you worked so hard to kick this and… you had this shit in the apartment the whole time?” I yelled and felt my body start to tremble with both anger and sadness.

“I don’t know why I did. I’m so stupid I know… I know…” He trailed off and pressed his fingers to his temple, as if trying to soothe a headache.

“Stupid doesn’t even begin to cover it. You’re a fucking moron… I can’t believe it. I... I’ve been suffering all by myself for _days_ and you’ve been locked away in this room getting high?!” I was almost screaming now as the tears formed.

“(Y/N) please don’t shout… I’m so sorry.” He moved to grab my hand but I yanked it away from him, stepping backwards. “I felt so low, so lonely and I was weak.”

“Lonely…” Was he serious? I turned my back to him and paced a little. 

My head started to pound as I tried to take everything in, tried to comprehend that Spencer had turned to a drug instead of me when he was feeling _lonely_.

“I’m right here… I’ve always been here, how can you possibly justify taking Dilaudid when I am right HERE.” I spun back around and was suddenly hit with a change of emotion.

Spencer looked at me with raw sadness, his eyes bursting with tears as he let out a loud sob and I saw him. The man I loved, the man I adored... crying out for help. 

“Spencer… I’ve needed you. I’ve never needed you more than I do now and you’ve been so selfish. This…” I gestured to the evidence littered around the room “This is so selfish.”

“It was just… easier, to run. I needed to numb the pain and-”

“What about MY pain? MY sadness? Have you even stopped to think about _me_ this past week? I’m suffering just as much as you, I lost a child too!” I started to sob uncontrollably,  
Spencer threw his arms around me and I let him. Both of us shook as we cried, my grip on his shoulders was so tight I was sure I must have been causing him pain.

“Please don’t leave me” Spencer whispered into my neck, his breath against my skin sent shivers down my spine. 

“I’m not leaving you, Spencer.” I backed out of the embrace and looked up at him, cupping the side of his face with my hand. “I’m right here, aren’t I?”

“I couldn’t bare to lose you too, I couldn’t cope if-”

“Spencer. I am here. I am standing in front of you and I am ready to help you. Whatever it takes.” I placed a couple of stray hairs behind his ear and attempted to smile through the sobbing.

“Whatever it takes?” He searched my face for any sign of pretense, profiling me as he always did.

“Yes. We’ll find a good rehab, a good doctor and we’ll take it slow. We’ll get through this.”

I was taken by surprise as Spencer placed his hands either side of my face and pulled me into a passionate kiss, I melted into him as I wrapped my arms around his neck. God, I’d missed him. A few moments passed before I broke the kiss, feeling that familiar fluttering sensation in my stomach when I saw him smile. He dropped to his knees and threw his arms around my waist, burying his head against my abdomen.

“I’m so sorry… I’m so scared you won’t stay, that I’ll wake up and you’ll be... gone.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I’ll still be here in the morning… every morning… for better or for worse. Forever” I swallowed back the new wave of tears that were forming.

“I love you, (Y/N). Please never, ever doubt that. Not even for a second.” Spencer placed a gentle kiss against my stomach and I let out another sob at the acceptance of our loss. He pulled himself to his feet, bringing me back into his arms.

“And I love you…” I sighed against his chest, a weight finally felt like it was being lifted.

We stood, cocooned tight in each other’s embrace for a while longer before Spencer took my hand in his and lead me to our bedroom. Thankful that I was alone no longer, I curled into his arms and let myself drift off to sleep, my heart, soul and everything in between, preparing for the very long road ahead.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration; <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Heg05570cQU2>


End file.
